What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I am behind on my questions. I’ve been meaning to write, but life interfered. This is the story of the last five years. Actually, I got sick, and exhausted. I get tired of staring at a computer screen, especially after a 60 hour week, and putting my thoughts down can be difficult. I’m going to try to catch up, so bear with me.

What would I do differently if I knew no-body would judge me? Well, this question could be asking one of two things: either a specific event in my life (“I wish I’d never ridden that rollercoaster”) or a daily action (“I’d smoke every day if it wasn’t for all the cancer stuff”). I’ve deliberated, and I’m going to go with the latter, it’s less incriminating.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve though about both, and I’ve considered what my life would be like if I’d chose a different university, or a different course, or even a different study abroad program. If the hubs and I had never met. It’s entertaining to consider that I really might choose to alter that, no questions asked. But, you know, truthfully. I really wouldn’t want to change that. Yes, I could have gone to a far better university, but would I exchange that for the life I have now, getting to fall asleep next to my unshaven, midwestern husband? Of course not. I’ve been successful enough on the education I have. True story.

I thought about this for some time. I think the one day to day thing I would do differently if it had no impact on my life would be my attitude towards exercise. I work out a lot. I’m not super skinny, but I work out a lot. Five times a week. And I watch what I eat. Maintaining a size 6 figure is hard work for me (especially hard when people think I should aim for a size 2). I would love to be able to eat take away food every day like some people I know, I’d love to never have to go to the gym. Right now I’m on a mission to lose 25 lbs… I’d love to not do that, to have an extra 90 hours a day to sleep, or read, or attend happy hours with my friends. But the professional world is superficial, and I know I have to keep in shape.

We live in a world of size zero, or “anti size zero”, whichever side you fall on. I’m ambivalent. I don’t believe anyone that is unhealthy (too skinny or too fat) should be featured in ad campaigns. This would rule out 95% of the modelling industry. It’s a pipe dream. But it’s trickling down into our companies: will an obese person reflect negatively on a company brand? No-one wants to “endorse” the nation’s stereotype. So many companies, including my own, are adopting “keep fit” programs. This is a great idea, if it truly focuses on fitness rather than size. I am 5′ 7″ tall, and I weight 150lbs right now. I’m normally more about 143. I’m not overweight, and yet I feel compelled to log hours in the gym to prove my self respect to the people I work with.

While I’m exercising I think about all the things I’d love to eat, if I could afford the calories. I usually get a low calorie shake and head home. If I could change one thing about my life, I’d love to grab that Five Guys burger on my way home, and not see the disapproving looks. I’d order pizza for my team, without worrying what the company consensus was. If I had friends coming over, or if it was snowing, I’d skip the gym and not beat myself up about it. This is what I’d do differently, If I knew society wasn’t judging me.

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